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Yes, it's Bad Movie Monday... wherein a collection of my friends and I subject ourselves to the worst that Hollywood can throw at us... the very first BMM was "From Justin To Kelly" and "Gigli" which has yet to be topped for sheer numbing awfulness.. but we must keep trying or else we grow stagnant as human beings, no? Thusly, once more into the filmic breach we go...
Event: Bad Movie Monday XIII
Place: TVGuy Mansion
Date: April 27, 2009
11:45pm - It's about time for the 13th edition of BMM and our first two arrivals are old hands at the torturous process... James From Work and TV's Matt arrive, Matt bringing some sort of blackberry ale that is intriguing and yet I'm not offered any... hmm... anyway, sadly we must report that Special Guest Star Ernie has left Colorado for the East Coast and so with that opening we are joined by...
11:52pm - Yes, it's 5 O'Clock Jeff! (he makes Abraham Lincoln look like a hairless albino.... the nickname is a play on 5 O'Clock Shadow, which really doesn't make any sense because Jeff hasn't had that since grade school, but the nickname has been approved by all and thus we move forward...)
12:00pm - Whilst we consume the official snack food of TVGuy, Totino's Pizza Rolls, lunch preps are finished up and the first DVD is inserted into the player.... this afternoon's double feature is inspired by people we work and have worked with at the Mtn. Sports Network... our first film is "Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon", which was made with the help of some guy named Pete that was a camera operator for us on a freelance basis many moons ago and supposedly did something on this film which is unverifiable because he used a "stage name" or something... regardless, we'll be powering through it with a hot and tasty lunch... speaking of which...
12:03pm - Sloppy Joes are on the menu, for two reasons... firstly, they're delicious and highly underrated... and secondly, they are reddish loose meat, much like the Yeti's victims will be shortly... they are accompanied by Tater Tots, for two reasons... firstly, they're delicious and highly underrated... and secondly, their all-american potatoey goodness represents our last film of the day.. but more on that later...
12:06pm - Beginning our film while wolfing down the Joes and Tots (both delicious and highly underrated as we've learned earlier) we are horrified that the name of the film has been shortened to just "Yeti"... no "Snow Demon" or "Curse" for us... does this lessen the film's impact? Who knows? Undeterred, we move on....
12:10pm - Our movie opens with a snowy scene in the mountains with multiple trees in the background and an onscreen caption tells us that we're at 19,000 feet... which is all well and good.. unless...
5 O'Clock Jeff: Isn't timberline around 14,000 feet?
TVGuy: Oops. Not off to a good start...
Matt: Casting in this film by "Random.org"
12:10:40pm - Yes, 40 seconds into the film the Yeti appears!! Wow, talk about not holding anything back! Less than a minute and our title antagonist is on screen!!
James From Work: It's the opposite of "Jaws".... an hour before we see the shark... maybe they know something Spielberg doesn't...
12:16pm - Now we're on an airplane, which is filled with college football players and is flying over the Himalayas and... er... wait a minute... the Himalayas??? Okay...
12:17pm - The quarterback's name is... wait for it... Peyton Elway. I only wish I was kidding....
12:18pm - Again, I just want to point out that the plane is flying over the Himalayas!! The school's name is the unbelievably generic "State College"...
James From Work: They're obviously going to be playing "Tech University"...
TV's Matt: Maybe they're flying over the Himalayas so they can play "Nepal Tech"...
12:20pm - One of our 19 year old football stars has perhaps the worst facial hair known to man... which brings up the age-old question...
TVGuy: What's scarier, a soulpatch or a yeti?
12:23pm - The airplane effects are clearly from the test laboratories of the Nintendo Wii... I'm not even sure if they are in "2D"...
12:25pm - Our plane is just skimming the mountaintops... which doesn't make any sense because most commercial aircraft are about 5-6 miles up in the air... how do we know this? Because we've got another guest, that's how! Please welcome...
12:26pm - Everybody Loves Robert has arrived (an obvious homage to the CBS comedy and Ray Romano... who was invited today to our little moviefest but strangely didn't return my multiple calls.. anyway...)
12:27pm - "Everybody Loves Robert" is the brother of 5 O'Clock Jeff, who strangely both have the same birthday, but in different years... what are the odds! (365 to 1 actually, but why quibble...) Anyway, Robert works at the Denver International Airport and brings up about 2,341 aircraft errors made by the producers of this film... but since the movie has a Yeti in it, accuracy isn't our first goal here...
12:29pm - As Robert makes quick work of the remaining Sloppy Joes and Tater Tots, both highly underrated and tasty, our plane crashes in the mountains....
12:35pm - The Yeti himself (I'm assuming gender here) is being played by a guy in a pretty lame suit... but every once in awhile the 3,000 bucks the producers had to render our apelike friend in CG pops on screen... basically they were able to afford two different effects (running and jumping, more on that in a minute) and edit them in different ways yet use the same effect over and over... I'm pretty sure I paid more in college tuition my freshman year than was spent in post-production on this film....
12:39pm - Our one Asian football player is being pursued by the Yeti, which prompts the day's most tasteless joke...
James From Work: (as Yeti) Hmm.. I haven't had Chinese food in awhile...
12:42pm - A severed arm is used as a splint for one of our characters... I don't know what else to add to that...
12:43pm - Seriously, a severed arm... befuddlement has cast a deep shadow over our little film party...
James From Work: Here, let me lend you a hand...
TVGuy: He's going out on a limb...
12:47pm - In all honesty, the acting really isn't that horrible and the scenery isn't bad.. a lovely snow covered mountain shot is shown...
TV's Matt: "Warren Miller's 'Yeti'", now in Imax theaters...
12:53pm - The football team has a yard marker as used by officials during the game... sure, you're asking yourself "What, the team has to bring the stadium equipment with them??" And you'd be right in questioning that... but since our lead actress has sharpened one end of the yard marker and has just now thrown it as a javelin to kill a "Himalayan Rabbit", maybe there is another question you'd like to ponder... like.. "What the Hell is Going On??"
12:57pm - Our Yeti has just eaten two more college students... that guy can certainly pack on the pounds....
TV's Matt: Apparently the Yeti doesn't suffer from "Food Comas"....
TVGuy: Is he susceptible to Tryptophan?? How many turkeys could he conceivably eat?
1:00pm: Quite the exchange...
Student #1: What could be stealing these dead bodies?
Student #2: My only guess could be "A Giant Ape"...
yep, just the conclusion I'd come to... I'm guessing these guys aren't honor students...
1:10pm - Two rescuers spy our Yeti-plagued students through a set of binoculars, putting them about 500 feet away... amazingly, they decide to sleep in and arrive on the scene about twenty-four hours later!! I'm not making this up...
1:15pm - The "Jumping Yeti" animation is used about 8,310 times in the next two minutes... I'm not sure I can describe this properly, but I'll try... the Yeti walks/runs slower than your arthritic grandmother, but yet can jump about 30 feet in the air and at incredible speeds... he's "Spider-Yeti"... it's really about the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen... and keep in mind I've seen many Ben Affleck films so that's really saying something....
1:19pm - One of our rescuers is introduced as "Fury"... kind of what I'm feeling towards the film's producers... how fitting...
1:23pm - The Yeti rips off someone's arm and hits them with it... let that be a sign that you're having a bad day....
1:25pm - My god, there are two Yetis! Out of nowhere a second one has emerged... which begs the question.. what is the plural of Yeti anyway? Is it "yeti"? "yetis"?
1:28pm - Thankfully, the film is over... beaten a bit senseless by that nonsense, we load our 2nd feature into the DVD Player... our friend James Bates (who had a bit part in an Adam Sandler comedy) is fourth billed in "A Small Town Conspiracy"... I mean, he's in the movie trailer as the fourth lead! ("...and James Bates" says the announcer guy...)
We are all mightily excited... we'd be more excited if this film was actually commercially available in the United States... TV's Matt bought it off of Ebay from someone in Greece. I'm not making that up... which means the DVD onscreen directions are in Greek...
Note: Our film was originally called "Florida City", but is now "A Small Town Conspiracy"... I really wish they had kept the original title for two reasons...
1. "Florida City" actually isn't the name of a city...
2. Our lead actor says the words "Florida City" about 3,902,109 times in this film... I'm not sure, but I think he's from Florida City.. hard to say though...
1:45pm - We are witnessing someone inventing, for the first time, a "Breakfast Sandwich"... (the film is set in the 1940s, days before the attack on Pearl Harbor)
1:49pm - The lead actress in this film is 83 years older than the guy she is dating... major ick factor everytime she appears...
TV's Matt: "Mrs. Doubtfire" was hotter than her...
1:59pm - Our barkeep has more shoulder hair than the Yeti... ew....
2:04pm - There is a pay phone bolted to a fence in someone's yard... worth noting...
Until then, good day...
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Larry: Disney's making a movie starring a black princess. And we only had to get through a Native American princess, an Arab princess, a Chinese princess, even a half-fish princess. Not to mention the countless cats, dogs, mice, elephants, talking cars, and whatever the hell Stitch was..
--"The Daily Show" (Comedy Central)
